Yes, I would massage this man's feet to see the Orioles win a World Series.
It's getting old Pete. Another losing season? Are you serious? The glorious history of this Baltimore baseball franchise is now overshadowed by year after year of disappointment and mediocrity. Year after year we're fielding teams that provide the same outcome, a sub .500 record, while year after year I'm seeing people dancing in the streets with their teams who are performing on the baseball diamond, and bringing home the 'ship. Since Pete's not doing anything to try and win a championship for Baltimore, here's what I would do to see the Orioles win the World Series.
Let's do this.
10. SUMO WRESTLE RALPH FREIDGEN. The man is a beast. A huge, scary football fanatic. He would manhandle me. I'd be done in the 1st round as he lifts my 150 pound frame by my sumo diaper and tosses me across the room. It'd hurt, but I'd do it to see an O's championship.
9. MASSAGE PETER ANGELOS'S FEET. We've all seen the man's face; think about homeboy's feet. Nasty. I'd sink my hands into those dirty old things and give him the best deep tissue massage he could imagine; no gloves.
8. ATTEND A PARIS HILTON CONCERT. Paris Hilton's the prettiest jailbird out there, but this musical career thing she's been trying to pull; she's not fooling me. Paris Hilton can probably sing as good as Ashely Simpson did on Saturday Night Live. Wait? That's right.
7. DATE JESSICA ALBA. Yes. That's right. I would date Jessica Alba to see the O's hold up the trophy. Terrible, I know. It'd be tough, but I'm pretty sure I could pull it off. Come on, there's got to be at least one good thing on the list. If me and Jessica didn't work out I'd settle for Maria Sharapova.
6. GO OUT ON THE TOWN WITH PACMAN JONES. Well, going out on the town for a night with Pacman Jones is apparently kind of like being in a warzone. I'd be Pacman's wing man for a night to dance in the streets next to Nick Markakis, celebrating an O's World Series win. Mr. Jones and me.
5. STAR IN BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN 2. Enough said. Nasty.
4. NOT VOTE FOR PEDRO. You know whoever didn't vote for Pedro got a major butt kicking from Napoleon's brother Kip and his lady Lafawnda. Kip was training to be a cagefighter back then you know. You might now know him as Triple H.
3. RUN AT RAY LEWIS. The man is the scariest, most fierce player in the NFL, and if I were on the other side of the line looking into his eyes before the snap, I'd probably have to go to the sideline to change my jockstrap about every 3 plays. I know I would not want to be the person recieving a Ray Lewis hit. Maybe that's why McNair is so horrible now. Ray put his head through McNair's sternum back in the day. He's an animal.
2. MESS UP TOM BRADY'S HAIR. How is Tom Brady's hair always perfectly combed? Tom Brady's could come off the field after getting sacked hard three times, take off his helmet and his hair looks like its from the cover of one of those magazines in a salon. You know that he's got snipers hiding out all over the stadium waiting for someone to touch it. Touch his hair, you die. For an Orioles championship, I'd do it.
1. STAY AWAKE FOR A WHOLE ORIOLES GAME. It's tough. Probably the toughest thing on the list. That's why it's number one. Something has to be done to bring baseball back to Baltimore. It's been too long since the Orioles were playing in October. I'd hold my eyes open for the 3 boring hours of Orioles baseball, just to see them win a Series some day.
Baltimore fans want it. Baltimore fans need it. It's getting old Pete. It's getting old...
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